Apparently, there are some prerequisites to being a handyman:
1. Your stomach must extend at least 2 feet and your pants must be worn below that enormous gut so that your buttcrack is exposed when you bend over.
2. You must have 5 days worth of stubble minimum and you have to look like you have not bathed in a week.
3. Your vocabulary has to include phrases like "I reckon so", "nary a one" and "lordy would ya look at that". These phrases are used to respond to homeowner questions like "can you do that work without a work permit from the city ?" Answer: I reckon so, "how many fences have you put up in the past?" Answer: nary a one and "there is a HUGE gap in that fence" Response: Lordy would ya look at that!!
4. You have to drive an over-sized, diesel pick-up that probably gets about 3 miles to the gallon and you have to put the LOUDEST muffler on it that you can buy.
5. While working you are able to simultaneously hammer, drink Mountain Dew and have a lit cigarette dangling from your mouth and your name is Bubba, Butch or Junior.
Day 2 proved even more interesting when the contractor we hired sent his "cousin" over to power wash the house. The "cousin" was obviously a bit "special" and it was also apparent that this family tree doesn't have many branches or offshoots! Junior, the cousin, brought a pressure washer with him but no ladder and no hose. The first hour he was scheduled to wash our house, he had to drive his diesel truck back to his house to get the equipment. An hour later, he returns, walks around the house once and then promptly announces that he "is going to need 'chemical' to get that thar black stuff off the gutters" so he set off in his diesel truck to "get some 'chemical'". An hour later, he returns and I quickly surmise that "chemical" actually means tons of Clorox bleach. Junior leaves the "chemical" on my picnic table and then leaves again (not sure why he left this time) and returns 1 1/2 hours later.
Within 20 minutes of actually starting work, Junior comes to inform me that "yer window screen musta been rotten cuz it tore". I asked "tore? tore how? when?" Junior looks at his enormous feet and says "when I sprayed it with the hose". My next question was "why are you pressure washing my window screens and he says, in his slow Forest Gump-like drawl "I always do that because when I do a job everything is clean and shiny". OK Rainman.. how about you do NOT wash any more window screens and concentrate on the siding.
10 minutes after this exchange, my 19-year-old daughter, Whit, comes to me and seems rather green around the gills. I asked her if she was ok..was she sick. Whit quickly informed me that the 70 degree mild temperature must have been too much for Junior because he was now on a ladder, washing our house with NO SHIRT ON!! The sight of this had made Whit feel a bit queasy and I did not really understand. I told her "oh you are exaggerating.. he has a big tummy but it can't be THAT bad" to which she prompted me to "go see for myself". I walked outside and there, on a ladder 20 feet in the air, was Junior with the largest non-pregnant belly I had ever seen and he appeared to be wearing a sweater!! Oh wait.. oh my.. no he was not wearing a sweater.. he was wearing no shirt at all. I quickly went back into my house, feeling a bit green around the gills myself.
Junior also managed to spray large quantities into the outdoor electrical outlet, causing the entire system to short out, almost break a front side-light window and knock a piece of siding off the house - all in a matter of hours.
In the end though, the fence looks terrific, the front porch is perfect and the house is clean. Now they come to clean the gutters next..... I can't wait !
No comments:
Post a Comment